Relationship Trumps Performance

He grew up in high crime neighborhoods, black, without a father.  His mother passed away when he was sixteen.  His sister died of a heart attack at the age of 25.  He was ridiculed for his high pitched voice and lisp.  He overcame all of this hardship and more to become the undisputed champion of the world, the youngest fighter to ever win the IBF, WBA and the WBC and the first fighter to hold all three titles simultaneously.  He won his first 19 professional bouts by knockout, 12 of which were in the first round.  Some of you might recognize this impressive resume.  What an incredible performer!

Unfortunately, his personal failings in relationship have forever changed how people consider him.  Now he is as known for being a convicted rapist (and cannibal?) as he is for being a great boxer.

Of course, Mike Tyson's story is not unique among those who perform well in various public endeavors but who fail miserably in relationships.  Tiger Woods, Tonya Harding, Bill Clinton, OJ Simpson, Jerry Sandusky, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard are all individuals who join Mike Tyson as members of the loser's club - those who lost dearly relationally.  Their failings in relationship cast an ominous shadow over any "superhuman" feats they had accomplished or ever will accomplish.

When reading the definition and synonyms of the word "relationship", it's all very heartwarming.  Connection, association, emotion, involvement, family, kinship, affinity, alliance are all words listed.  In contrast, the word "performance" has a much different feel.  One definition sticks out to me:  "The execution or accomplishment of works, acts or feats."  So... mechanical, so... inadequate.  With performance a person can seemingly stand alone.  With relationship, the very meaning indicates others.

Performance is, obviously, a legitimate and necessary element for a healthy life.  No question.  One must perform to a specific standard in order to maintain a job, to guarantee a spot on a sports team, to realize the blessings of relationship.  A point that is not debatable.  Most performance standards encourage excellent human behavior.  A beautiful advantage when realized.  Performance is the expression of what we have learned and what we believe.

When we are driven by performance, the standard set is our own.  It can be influenced by our upbringing, our family, our spouse, our competition, and our culture.  More often than not, the standard we create reflects our own personal beliefs, inclinations and strengths.  The standard can become a god in and of itself.  We then impose our mandate
on others because that is the standard by which we measure our success or failure and ultimately the successes and failures of others.  We serve created standards of performance instead of serving God and His standard of love.

Performance is a walk in the park compared to relationship.  Meaningful relationship is an arduous climb to the top of Mt. Everest in treacherous weather, battling frostbite, snow blindness, hypothermia and acute mountain sickness.  It's tough.  Most will never attempt a climb to the top of Mt. Everest.  But, according to those who have been successful in scaling any mountain worthy of climbing, the result is rewarding beyond expression.

Every generation is guilty of setting standards of performance that block relationship, instead of enhancing it.  My generation had the magical "do's" and "don'ts" of Christian culture (don't dance, don't go to movies, don't drink alcohol...) that were suppose to enhance our intimacy with God, but didn't.  It certainly didn't enhance any human connections!  Today, this generation's standards might appear to be nobler, but they are nonetheless trying to adhere to their own set of "do's" and "don'ts" that are more about performance than relationship.  Intolerance still exists, just with a different set of criteria.  And unfortunately, every generation struggles to stay on the task of relating instead of performing.

The Bible teaches us that performance is not the goal, relationship is -- kinship, affinity, connection, friendship with God and with man.  Certainly we can pluck individual verses out to support the premise for a performance driven life, but the overwhelming evidence is for a relationship driven one.  The Bible is bursting at the seams with instruction for that.  Our pursuits in life should only be in response to our desire and need for a love affair with God and with man.  Biblical law provides a mirror that allows us to see ourselves accurately but, ultimately, is there to serve as a catalyst to intimacy with God.  There is a huge difference between parents who discipline their children from a performance driven perspective and those who disciplines from a relationship driven perspective.  Condemnation is the result of the former, affection is the result of the latter.  We are blessed beyond measure that God our Father faithfully deals with us from a relationship driven perspective.  It takes two willing and cooperative parties to define a good relationship.  God is always willing and cooperative.  He patiently stands ready for us to agree to connect with Him.  He never changes.  He never deviates from His desire to be in a loving and committed relationship with us.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your mind; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself. (Luke 10:27)."  God relates to us with love, grace, mercy, patience, forgiveness, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness... How? Why?  Because He is love.  He authored mercy.  He designed grace.  He is kind.  He is everything that promotes wholeness and wellness in relationship.  We are told that if we trust Jesus Christ, His spirit will live within us and the evidence of that spirit will be "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.  Against such things there is no law!"- (Galatians 5:22-23)  It's more in the being and less in the doing.  At our core, at the spirit level; be lovely, be joyful, be peaceful, be patient, be kind, be good, be faithful, be gentle.  Relate out of a state of being, not perform out of a state of legalism.

The Sadducees and Pharisees were known to be consumed with a performance driven life.  Jesus reserved His harshest admonitions to this group of self-righteous, proud and legalistic hypocrites.  What could they do to make themselves look good?  Appearances to the outside world was of utmost importance, to the exclusion of relationship (Matthew 23:5).  *Once, Jesus was approached by a Scribe who was the exception to this rule and asked what the most important commandment was.  "This is the most important', Jesus answered:  'Listen, Israel!  The Lord our God, the Lord is One.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.  The second is:  Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no other commandment greater than these."  I love the response from this Scribe back to Jesus.  May it be mine as well.  "You are right, Teacher!  You have correctly said that He is One, and there is no one else except Him.  And to love Him with all your heart, with all your understanding, and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, is far more important than all the burnt offerings and sacrifices.'  When Jesus saw that he answered intelligently, He said to him, 'You are not far from the kingdom of God.'  And no one dare to question Him any longer."  How could they?

Earlier in Mark 12, other Pharisees and Sadducees were trying to trick Jesus.  Don't we try to trick Jesus, ourselves and others into believing that we are somehow righteous by living up to a self made standard of performance, all the while, rejecting, condemning refusing relationship with those who God has put in our lives?

As a believer in Jesus Christ and one who desires to take her cues from, what I believe, to be the best road map for life, is it difficult for me to love people instead of condemn their performance?  Yes.  Do I wonder that if I choose love, will I somehow be seen as condoning behaviors that I know to be harmful?  Yes.  Is it counter intuitive to focus on loving as I Corinthians 13 instructs me to instead of judging behavior/performance?  Yes.  Will I ever get it right?  No.  But if I train myself as if I was preparing to climb Mt. Everest, I will begin to see myself and others as God see us.  Relationship.  A difficult mountain to climb, to be certain, but worth every step.

Grandmotherly musing:  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (I Peter 4:8).  Relationship always trumps performance.  Always.

*Mark 12:28-30

Catch You On the Flip Side 

The term flip side was generated back in the day when there were phonograph records (ask your mom or dad).  The flip side referred to the song on the opposite side of the record.  The A-Side song was selected by the record producer in hopes that it would receive radio airplay and become a "hit".  It was suppose to be the better, more likable, more marketable song.  The B-Side was seen as the inferior, more forgettable, "extra" song.  In fact, the B-Side song would often not even make it onto the artist's LP (long play).  Usually the A-Side song performed as expected.  It was the one that was played on the radio, the song everyone would find themselves tapping their toes to and singing along with and buying at the store.  Usually the B-Side song was not as radio-friendly and, therefore, was a mystery to most but was included, nonetheless, when purchasing the single.  Occasionally, though, the B-Side became the more popular song, for whatever reasons, and found itself getting lots of airplay and rising in the charts. Subsequently, the A-Side became the forgotten song, the dud.  This was never the producer's original intent.

Let's consider that every person has a figurative flip side, an A and a B side.  Every strength having a related weakness and every weakness having a related strength.  For example, people who have a tendency toward dogmatism are individuals who usually have strong convictions.  I like strong convictions.  Strong convictions are good, dogmatism is bad.

Discipline is good, rigidity is bad.  Easygoing is good, apathy is bad.  Concern is good, worry is bad.  Passion is good, rage is bad.  Caution is good, paralysis is bad.  Humor is good, ridicule is bad.  Confidence is good, arrogance is bad.  Humility is good, an inferiority complex is bad…  You get the point.  But sometimes the line between a particular strength and the flip side weakness becomes blurred both in our thinking and in our behavior.

Humanly speaking, shouldn't our A-Side be the better, more likable side?  The side that people want to tap their toes to and sing along with, the side that generates the most positive revenue?   The B-Side is intended to be the minor side, the less familiar side. The song that doesn't even show up on our LP!  Sometimes, unfortunately, our B-Side gets more airplay than our better A-Side and, therefore, becomes the more featured anthem.  More popular for all the wrong reasons.  This was never the Producer's intent.  We are wise to "own" both our A and B sides.  What airplay we give each, is our choice.

Grandmotherly Musing #2:  Know and admit to your A-Side (strengths) and your B-Side (weaknesses).  Feature your strengths, limit your weaknesses.  Allow yourself to learn from and be stretched by other's strengths and be patient with their weaknesses.

See how many A-Side Songs you can match to the corresponding B-Side Songs listed below.  Answers will be on my next blog. How much fun is this?!

1. The Candy Man (Sammy Davis Jr) 
2. Every Breath You Take (The Police)   
3. Hey Jude (Beatles) 
4. She Loves You (Beatles)  
5. These Boots Are Made For Walkin' (Sinatra)
6. Benny & The Jets (Elton John)   
7. Always Something There To Remind Me (Burt Bacharach)  
8. Go Your Own Way (Fleetwood Mac) 
9. I Walk The Line (Johnny Cash) 
10. Return To Sender (Elvis) 
11. My Way (Frank Sinatra) 
12. Material Girl (Madonna) 
13. Beat It (Michael Jackson)
14. Piano Man (Billy Joel)
15. Superstition (Stevie Wonder)

a.  Harmony

b.  Get On The Floor

c.  You're My Home

d.  Angel

e.  I Want To Be Happy

f.  Cycles

g.  Who Is Gonna Love Me?

h.  Angel

i.  You've Got It Bad Girl

j.  Murder By Numbers

k.  I'll Get You

l.  Where Do You Come From

m. Silver Springs

n.  Get Rhythm

o.  The City Never Sleeps At Night

Well, OK, I'm really not 38 years old, although some people tell me that I look like I am.  And, well, I'm not a grandmother... yet.  But I will be this coming May.  I have a sister-in-law who was a grandmother at 38, does that count?  Anyway,  I was looking for a "hook" to woo readers.  And if you're reading now, it just might have worked.  I hope it will work because I have some musings that I would like to document, mostly, for my children and future grandchildren.  My children (Megan and Chip, 26, Doug, 24, and Bryan, 10) have had to endure my musings over the years as often as I can get them to listen or, at least, pretend to.

The subject that I would like to offer in my debut of  "A 38 Year Old Grandmother's Musings" is: don't judge a book by it's cover.  Not original, I know.  Like I mentioned above, I look young for my age.  I have always looked young for my age.  My 24 year old son has inherited the same genes (I tell him that someday he will see it as a blessing... he doesn't believe me).  As a result of a youthful appearance, there have been many times in my history where people have predetermined my capabilities based on their perception of my age.  When I was in 5th grade, I was mistaken for a kindergartner.  Can you imagine?  Such humiliation!  How can you not treat a kid like a kindergartner when they look like one?  I am making light of this now, but as those experiences marked moments of time in my life, they made an impact on how I perceived myself.  I allowed the perception of others to dictate, in part, who I became.  You see this all the time; whether it's the fat funny kid, or the cocky jock, or the ditsy blond cheerleader, or the nerd.  People make judgements without ever taking the time to see what's behind door #1, so to speak.

Let me offer a clarification before I go any further.  I understand that the notion of complaining about looking like I'm in my 30's as a 51 year old woman is like a decidedly thin woman complaining about gaining 15 pounds over the holidays (oops).  No one wants to hear my waaaa, waaaa, waaaing about such seemingly trivial "crosses".  Having said that, there is a lesson that can be learned here or, at least, refreshed.

My dilemma of not looking my age as a child and young woman does not compare to others experiences of being judged by appearances.  There are people who, by no choice of their own, have varying physical maladies that cause people to not "see" them but to see only their disfigurement or handicap.  How about when people are judged immediately simply by the color of their skin or ethnicity?  Others, by their own choice, have tattoos, piercings, interesting hair color(s) and/or style, clothes or lack thereof...  How often do we allow our minds to size people up in a matter of seconds based on external criteria and treat them accordingly?  Guilty as charged.  So sad that so many opportunities for meaningful human interaction, much less, relationship is lost because of our keen ability to size people up, accurately or not.

Grandmotherly Musing #1:  Don't judge a book by it's cover.  Read the synopsis on the back, dare to open it up and read the first paragraph, maybe the first chapter.  Heck, read the whole darn book... we'll all be better for it!