Relationship Trumps Performance
Unfortunately, his personal failings in relationship have forever changed how people consider him. Now he is as known for being a convicted rapist (and cannibal?) as he is for being a great boxer.
Of course, Mike Tyson's story is not unique among those who perform well in various public endeavors but who fail miserably in relationships. Tiger Woods, Tonya Harding, Bill Clinton, OJ Simpson, Jerry Sandusky, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard are all individuals who join Mike Tyson as members of the loser's club - those who lost dearly relationally. Their failings in relationship cast an ominous shadow over any "superhuman" feats they had accomplished or ever will accomplish.
When reading the definition and synonyms of the word "relationship", it's all very heartwarming. Connection, association, emotion, involvement, family, kinship, affinity, alliance are all words listed. In contrast, the word "performance" has a much different feel. One definition sticks out to me: "The execution or accomplishment of works, acts or feats." So... mechanical, so... inadequate. With performance a person can seemingly stand alone. With relationship, the very meaning indicates others.
Performance is, obviously, a legitimate and necessary element for a healthy life. No question. One must perform to a specific standard in order to maintain a job, to guarantee a spot on a sports team, to realize the blessings of relationship. A point that is not debatable. Most performance standards encourage excellent human behavior. A beautiful advantage when realized. Performance is the expression of what we have learned and what we believe.
When we are driven by performance, the standard set is our own. It can be influenced by our upbringing, our family, our spouse, our competition, and our culture. More often than not, the standard we create reflects our own personal beliefs, inclinations and strengths. The standard can become a god in and of itself. We then impose our mandate
on others because that is the standard by which we measure our success or failure and ultimately the successes and failures of others. We serve created standards of performance instead of serving God and His standard of love.
Performance is a walk in the park compared to relationship. Meaningful relationship is an arduous climb to the top of Mt. Everest in treacherous weather, battling frostbite, snow blindness, hypothermia and acute mountain sickness. It's tough. Most will never attempt a climb to the top of Mt. Everest. But, according to those who have been successful in scaling any mountain worthy of climbing, the result is rewarding beyond expression.
Every generation is guilty of setting standards of performance that block relationship, instead of enhancing it. My generation had the magical "do's" and "don'ts" of Christian culture (don't dance, don't go to movies, don't drink alcohol...) that were suppose to enhance our intimacy with God, but didn't. It certainly didn't enhance any human connections! Today, this generation's standards might appear to be nobler, but they are nonetheless trying to adhere to their own set of "do's" and "don'ts" that are more about performance than relationship. Intolerance still exists, just with a different set of criteria. And unfortunately, every generation struggles to stay on the task of relating instead of performing.
The Bible teaches us that performance is not the goal, relationship is -- kinship, affinity, connection, friendship with God and with man. Certainly we can pluck individual verses out to support the premise for a performance driven life, but the overwhelming evidence is for a relationship driven one. The Bible is bursting at the seams with instruction for that. Our pursuits in life should only be in response to our desire and need for a love affair with God and with man. Biblical law provides a mirror that allows us to see ourselves accurately but, ultimately, is there to serve as a catalyst to intimacy with God. There is a huge difference between parents who discipline their children from a performance driven perspective and those who disciplines from a relationship driven perspective. Condemnation is the result of the former, affection is the result of the latter. We are blessed beyond measure that God our Father faithfully deals with us from a relationship driven perspective. It takes two willing and cooperative parties to define a good relationship. God is always willing and cooperative. He patiently stands ready for us to agree to connect with Him. He never changes. He never deviates from His desire to be in a loving and committed relationship with us.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your mind; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself. (Luke 10:27)." God relates to us with love, grace, mercy, patience, forgiveness, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness... How? Why? Because He is love. He authored mercy. He designed grace. He is kind. He is everything that promotes wholeness and wellness in relationship. We are told that if we trust Jesus Christ, His spirit will live within us and the evidence of that spirit will be "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law!"- (Galatians 5:22-23) It's more in the being and less in the doing. At our core, at the spirit level; be lovely, be joyful, be peaceful, be patient, be kind, be good, be faithful, be gentle. Relate out of a state of being, not perform out of a state of legalism.
The Sadducees and Pharisees were known to be consumed with a performance driven life. Jesus reserved His harshest admonitions to this group of self-righteous, proud and legalistic hypocrites. What could they do to make themselves look good? Appearances to the outside world was of utmost importance, to the exclusion of relationship (Matthew 23:5). *Once, Jesus was approached by a Scribe who was the exception to this rule and asked what the most important commandment was. "This is the most important', Jesus answered: 'Listen, Israel! The Lord our God, the Lord is One. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these." I love the response from this Scribe back to Jesus. May it be mine as well. "You are right, Teacher! You have correctly said that He is One, and there is no one else except Him. And to love Him with all your heart, with all your understanding, and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, is far more important than all the burnt offerings and sacrifices.' When Jesus saw that he answered intelligently, He said to him, 'You are not far from the kingdom of God.' And no one dare to question Him any longer." How could they?
Earlier in Mark 12, other Pharisees and Sadducees were trying to trick Jesus. Don't we try to trick Jesus, ourselves and others into believing that we are somehow righteous by living up to a self made standard of performance, all the while, rejecting, condemning refusing relationship with those who God has put in our lives?
As a believer in Jesus Christ and one who desires to take her cues from, what I believe, to be the best road map for life, is it difficult for me to love people instead of condemn their performance? Yes. Do I wonder that if I choose love, will I somehow be seen as condoning behaviors that I know to be harmful? Yes. Is it counter intuitive to focus on loving as I Corinthians 13 instructs me to instead of judging behavior/performance? Yes. Will I ever get it right? No. But if I train myself as if I was preparing to climb Mt. Everest, I will begin to see myself and others as God see us. Relationship. A difficult mountain to climb, to be certain, but worth every step.
Grandmotherly musing: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (I Peter 4:8). Relationship always trumps performance. Always.
*Mark 12:28-30
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